Sweet Sassafras (aka Sassie) is our family dog. She is a two year old, cute, black and furry miniature Schnauzer. She wears a little coat and is spoiled, but not ridiculously so (no, we do not own one of these). She is also way too smart for her own good. I am extremely skeptical of peoples claims to have genius dogs. However, there are some things this dog does that I wouldn’t believe unless I saw them with my own eyes. Here is a list:
1. She opens the front shutters so she can look outside. If she were to bat at them, they would flip around and close again. She opens them halfway so she can keep an eye on the neighbourhood.
2. She likes riding on the Seadoo with my father (the only excuse for this behaviour I will make is that it occurred before the birth of his first grandchild. Now, there are no excuses) and wears a tiny life jacket (again, no excuses). One time, as she watched my dad drive away from the dock on the ‘doo, she ran downstairs. We heard rustling, then she came back upstairs WITH HER LIFE JACKET.
3. She has a tendency to leave toys in various places in the house. The next day, if you ask her where she put her (insert name of toy here) she will run away and return ALWAYS WITH THE CORRECT TOY.
4. She does not like to cuddle. However, when my sister-in-law was pregnant, she would lie on her tummy. Not really a big deal, but this summer, before my dear sister announced her second pregnancy, Sassie parked herself on Heather’s tummy all weekend yet refused to cuddle with anyone else.
5. Likewise, when I am sick, she will cuddle. When I had Swine flu, she hardly moved from my chest for the whole month I was housebound.
My parents love her. My siblings and niece love her. Most people that meet her love her. My love for her is very conditional, as is hers for me. Here is a list of things that make me want to throw her out the window:
1. She once ate an entire Kinder Surprise Egg that she stole from a table. She even unwrapped the tinfoil without destroying it. It was kind of impressive, but still.
2. She likes to chew paper products. I often come home to find little bits of shredded toilet paper or kleenex strewn all over the basement floor. She chewed the contact info off of a business card today. Only the contact info.
3. Every morning I come up the stairs and she growls at me and then attacks my feet. Every. Morning.
4. When I put my coat on, she attacks the sleeves.
5. When I sit down to put shoes on, she bites the laces.
6. When I am eating, she pokes me with her nose and makes me spill things.
7. Her bark makes my ears bleed.
8. She steals socks and/or underwear out of laundry baskets and leaves them in the middle of the front entrance way. Doesn’t chew them, just leaves them there.
9. She sleeps on top of sofas and chairs like a cat. When she stands up, she is high enough to stick her stinky face right in mine.
10. After she gets a bath, she tears around like an idiot. This is actually funny, but also supremely annoying.
11. If you have a cup of anything, she will jump up on the couch and drink out of the cup. Coffee, tea, water, anything.
12. If my parents leave when she doesn’t think they should leave, she howls and yelps and cries. For hours on end.
13. If she wants something I won’t give her, she will stare. Just stand and stare. It’s unsettling.
14. She will lick books when you try to read them.
15. Before she lays down anywhere, she needs to dig. You can’t dig the sofa, dog!
16. She attacks the drying rack/mop/vacuum/ironing board (Please see here)
16. Watch this video at 6:00 am. Enough said.
Excuse me. I need to go throw the dog out the window feed the dog.