Dear The Internet,
Hi! It’s me, Amanda. You may have heard of me. I have a blog. I spend time on Twitter and Facebook. In general, I’m a huge fan of yours. I appreciate how much knowledge I can discover in a very short period of time. Many of my evenings are spent with you, reading or finding recipes. You also make me laugh. I appreciate you.
I want to talk to you about these “viral videos” of yours. I really enjoy a good funny video. I have several go-to videos that I watch when I need a chuckle or a pick me up. I generally am aware of what’s gone viral and understand why people love it so much.
But The Internet, I’m a Kindergarten teacher. These videos mean very different things in Kindergarten. In the good ol’ days, Kindergarten kids were relatively sheltered from pop culture, unless it involved big purple dinosaurs or Bo Jackson. But now? Thanks to technology and easy access to you, kids these days know all about what’s going on in the “real world” and on the Internet.
Have you ever spent time with a child, The Internet? They’re pretty cute. For a little while. And then they find something they think is funny and they latch on to it. And never drop it. Ever. They’ll repeat the same punchlines over and over even if they’ve ceased to make sense. They’re obsessive about strange things. Sometimes they’ll repeat the same words or phrases over and over again. Call it cute, but when you’re surrounded by 27 of them on a daily basis, the charm wears off. Really, really quickly.
Let me tell you what’s been happening in my classroom this past month: Frozen. That’s what’s happening. Over and over and over again. I haven’t seen the movie, but I know the words to one of the songs. Not all of the songs. Just one. Because instead of singing the entire repertoire of music, they grab hold to ONE LINE from ONE SONG. And they repeat it. ALL DAY. The entire day. LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH.
Kindergarten kids can barely talk without Boston accents at this point in their lives. Forget singing. They sound like chipmunks. Tone deaf chipmunks. From Boston. Or like monotone robot babies. Also from Boston. The sounds that come out of their mouths are grating. I’ve developed an eye twitch. And I’m blaming it all on you, The Internet.
When I was a kid, if we wanted to hear a Disney song over and over, we’d have to rewind the VHS tape and listen, then rewind again. I wasn’t allowed to do that because Mommy had to watch Oprah after school. Or I’d have to buy the CD with my own money. That takes significantly more effort than to push play on a YouTube video. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
So this is what I’m proposing. Once a video goes viral, take it down. Burn it. Destroy it. Bury the evidence. Don’t let anyone under the age of 10 listen to a popular song ever again. Maybe they’ll forget about it and move along to some other annoying thing. It’s your fault I had to write a “NO GANGNAM STYLE” rule in my grade two classroom last year. It’s also your fault that I cringe whenever I am asked what a fox says. And it is your fault that I’ve develop an intense hatred towards people named Olaf.
I’ve had enough. The cold DOES bother me anyway. Listen to my plea, The Internet. Delete any traces of that song. Please. Let it go. Let. It. Go. LET IT FREAKING GO.
Love and hugs,