My New BFF, the Telemarketer

Telemarketer: HEY! How’s it going?! I’m Adam on behalf of [internet provider].

Me: Hi.

Am I speaking to Amanda?

Yup.

Awesome! (giggles) So can I ask you a few questions?

Sure.

(laughs) I see you have internet with us. Are you getting ok speeds with it?

Yup, I’m happy with it.

Hey, (haha) are you a student by any chance?

Nope, a teacher.

Elementary school?

Kindergarten.

I can tell. I’m getting the vibe.

(LAUGH) What? How? Based solely on my voice? HOW? What makes you say that?

No. Yes. I mean. Yeah. (hahahaha) No no no. Uh. Well it’s just a vibe, ok? Maybe I’m psychic or something. You have a nice voice.

Or maybe it’s because I’m good at pretending to be friendly when I don’t want to be. I wasn’t pleased to see a 1-800 number when you called.

No one ever is! You should be an actress. You’d be good at it.

Thanks.

Can I ask you some more questions?

Go for it.

Do you have a TV or home phone?

No.

Do you just not find a use for it?

The home phone? No. But I use my TV.

(laughs) I should have elaborated. Oh man, I suck at this. I meant the TV. Do you just not watch TV?

No, I do. I just stream Netflix. I don’t want to pay for extra channels.

Oh, but I’ve got a package for fifteen bucks!

Not in the budget, bro.

That’s fine. I get it. Oh hey, Netflix! Have you seen Orange is the New Black?

No.

I hear it’s good.

You HEAR it’s good? You haven’t seen it? Are you wildly throwing out recommendations to everyone you call?

I read it on the internet! The internet says it was good! I read lots of things on the internet!

I think you should watch shows before you recommend them.

Probably.

This was the weirdest phone call ever. Thank you, sir.

Well, yes it was. Hey. You have yourself a good evening.