“OHMAHGOSH you know when you go into a like, elevator or like small place like a closet or something or like sitting beside a guy on a bus but not like a creepy guy, like a cute guy who just is going to school and like, only works part time to pay for school because he’s like, volunteering with kittens and he’s like, pretty ok looking, but then he like smells like, good? That’s pretty much the best ever. Like, I want to ask him what he’s wearing or if that’s just his like, natural smell, because I heard something about being attracted to someone’s like, gramaphones, or hormones, like I think that’s what they’re called. No wait, it’s definitely francophones. If you’re really truly soulmates then you’ll totally love each others francophones even if like, the rest of the universe is disgusted by your francophones. My soulmate has to like my, like, scent. OHMAHGOSH, but not like, right after I come home from hot yoga. No one should, ew! It’s so gross. I can’t even tell you. OHMAHGOSH you wouldn’t even like WANT to like, be my FRIEND if you smelled how bad I smelled after hot yoga. I totally hope my guy doesn’t smell like that after hot yoga. Yeah, he’s going to love hot yoga and like, going to it with me. Because he’s like all sensitive and stuff since he volunteers with kittens. And probably bunnies. Except he won’t smell icky after hot yoga. I want a guy whose francophones smell like, good.”
I know, I know. I want to smell like, good, TOO.
Hygiene Education 105: Smell Like, Good
This is not complicated.
Steps to smell like, good:
2. Apply deodourant. Yes, there is an extra ‘u’ in there. I’m Canadian, deal with it.*
3. Apply perfume or cologne or body mist or something else that smells good (but not leftover bacon grease. That’s only delicious for a short period of time).**
4. Freshen up by repeating these steps.***
*This is necessary because you are not Matthew McConaughey. You have not wooed JLo or Kate Hudson on-screen, therefore you need to make sure your pits don’t stink. It’s a rule. Apply a few coats and reapply throughout the day, if necessary. Note: THIS SHOULD NOT REPLACE A SHOWER.
**One spray. Sometimes two depending on the strength. If you give your roommate (mom) a headache when you apply, then you’re using too much. If your buddy’s eyes sting when he’s talking to you, you’re using too much. If your dog sneezes when you enter the room, you’re using too much. When you walk by someone, your scent should linger only for a moment or two, and pass on by just as quickly as you did. Poetry. I wrote it. There is nothing worse than having someone’s smell linger HOURS after they have left. I am reminded of that one episode of Seinfeld and that one guy I used to drive home in high school. His stink lingered. LINGERED. No lingering, please. No matter if your smell is good or bad. Just stop lingering. Note: THIS SHOULD NOT REPLACE A SHOWER.
***Daily. Sometimes more than that, depending on your stink level. If you notice an unusual number of flies following you home, you should freshen up. If the greasy kid at the drive through asks you what scent you’re wearing, you should probably freshen up. If your pit stains cover a greater surface area of your shirt than the non-pit stains, you should freshen up. And change your shirt.
Let’s be all snobby and such and answer the following question: what scent do you wear?