Friday Field Notes: Teacher Magic

Every week I teach 161 different kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

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Kindergarten

B: I’m magic, want to know why?
Me: Absolutely.
B: I threw a car.
Me: Oh really?
B: It went left.
Me: Like you threw it…inside?
B: Nope, when I was driving.
Me: Like on a video game?
B: Nope. While I was driving.

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B: I don’t like it at the babysitters because there are a bunch of babies.
Me: Don’t you like babies?
B: No they’re gross and they puke.

(next day)

B: The babies have snot on them.
Me: Ew.
B: Super gross.

(I now get pretty consistent gross baby updates)

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Grade 1/2/3

“I saw someone have a French Horn once!’

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“….they slap people with fishes!”

(although it seems that I heard only part of this conversation, I didn’t. A child just walked up to me and said this)

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M: “I feel like I have a virus in my brain.”
Me: Interesting.
M: Like I can hear it. (closes eyes)
Me: Oh…
M: I can sense people around me.

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Every kid ever, 30 seconds after seeing me in the hall: I SAW YOU IN THE HALL!

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Grade 1/2

C: “When I grow up, my name will be Dr. Eggman. Or Captain Dr. Eggman. Or Dr. Robotnic.

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D (bits of a conversation I overheard during French class): “Once I had some pus….and I popped it myself.”

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J: Boys go to a different galaxy and girls stay on earth. And feed us food for free. Like hamburgers.

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A: Smiles don’t exist!
Me: What?
A: Smiles don’t exist when I’m smiling!

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A month ago, it was pajama day in our class. One fellow thought that my pajamas smelled funny (they were clean). He kept smelling me all afternoon. This week, out of nowhere he walks up to me, says this, and walks away:

M: When I smelled your pajamas they reminded me of somewhere.

A few weeks ago I wrote a math problem that involved armadillos. Most of the kids didn’t know what they were, so I explained. This week, he walks up to me, says this, and walks away:

M: I knew what you were meaning when you said about the armadillos.

He is a master of delayed reactions.

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Me: Any big plans this weekend?
T: I’m going to have a sleep over at a rappers house!

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Last week, I put in an old Bill Nye video in our VCR. It kept stopping on its own. Thinking it was the VCR, I switched machines. Still did the same thing.

L: Why isn’t it working?
Me: I’m not sure.
M: Maybe it’s scratched!
Me: You can’t….
K: Just take it out and rub it on your shirt!
Me (dying with laughter): You can’t…
I took the tape out of the machine, and the tape was unraveled.
C: WHERE DID THE STREAMER COME FROM?

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I have the kids convinced that certain tasks can only be done by using “teacher magic”. I open thermoses, pack backpacks, zip zippers and tie scarves. When the kids are amazed that I could do something they couldn’t, I throw my hands in the air and loudly exclaim, “TEACHER MAGIC!”

We’re now at the point where the kids will come up and say, “I need some teacher magic, because I just can’t get it.”

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After telling the class we were going to watch a movie this week, dude runs up to me and says:

L: OK! When I get excited I have to go to the bathroom!”

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I put in another tape. The VCR ate it again. This time I wound it up and it worked in another VCR!

Kids: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
Me, winking: TEACHER MAGIC!

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