Friday Field Notes: Nipple Check

Every week I teach 161 different kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.

Enjoy. I certainly do.

—

Kindergarten

T: I give my mom CUTE EYES and she lets me do whatever I want.

(He’s REALLY good at cute eyes)

—

During Show & Share

B: (looooong tangent about Disney World and going to see dinosaurs at the museum on Saturday)
Me: Does anyone have any questions for B?
R: I like dinosaurs.
A: I’m going to the museum on Saturday too.
B: The same as me?
A: Yeah!
C: Wait wait wait. Like, the CHILDREN’S museum, or just a regular museum. Because there is a difference.
(stares)
B: There are standing up dinosaur fossils.
C: But is it….never mind.
A: I’m going.
B: Maybe not me.
Me: Does anyone have any QUESTIONS for B?
R: I like frogs!
B: I like frogs times ten, but I like frogs times one hundred.
Me: Friends, do you know what questions are?
(all shake their heads no)
Me: (Long explanation about what questions are). Now, does anyone have any QUESTIONS?
J: AAAAAAND! The DINOSAAAAURS (the rest of this was incoherent).
Me: Well. I give up.
B: (Big long dinosaur tangent)

—

Grade 1

N: I have my fancy tie on!

—

During a drama lesson about the 3 Little Pigs, we were discussing what each character would say and why. Here are some of their answers.

B: Blah blah blah. I want to eat some eggs from a tree.
Me: Pardon?
B: Falling from a tree.

G: Give me a DRANK!

B: I’m so sticky! I’m so sticky! I’m so sticky! (This went on for awhile)

J: I am hungry. I want to order some pie.

B: I have a good tasty pumpkin patch.
Me: Why would the little piggy say that?
B: Because he mixes it with eggs.

—

Grade 4/5

J: OH. Your shirt is to DIE for.

—

Every day in Grade 4/5

Me (singing): Welcome to music!
A (big grin on his face): Not welcome to music!
Me: Glad you’re here!
A: Not glad you’re here!
Me: We’re going to do some singing
A: We’re not going to do some singing.
Me: We’re going to use our ears.
A: We’re not going to use our ears.
(etc)
(He loves music)

—

Everyone: Is it a drama day?
Me: Yes!
Everyone: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Or

Everyone: Is it a drama day?
Me: No, it’s a music day.
Everyone: BOOOOOOOOO.

—

Grade 1/2 (These are the kiddies I’m with every afternoon at my second school)

C: I’m a zombie who is allergic to water!
T: I’m a zombie from a farm!
L: I am a zombie from America!

—

G: OH. YOU GOT CURLY HAIR.

—

M (during math): A turtle peed on my arm.

—

M to my Mom (who is a superstar volunteer!): I bet before you had Miss B, your face was smoother.

M to my Mom: Why does your face turn green when you throw up?

Y to my Mom: You know, most people say that babies come from tummies. But they come from a uterus. Miss B came from your uterus.

—

Me: How did you sort the animals?
M: Mammals and not mammals.
C: What are mammals?
M: They don’t lay eggs.
Y: There are eggs in people. They hatch inside of you and then there’s a baby.
Me: Well…

—

Me, explaining that I don’t live with my parents anymore.
G (look of shock): But. How. Um.
A: How old do you have to be to live by yourself?

—

C: Do you go to your parent’s house after school?

—

A: You look like a teenager. I know you’re not a teenager, but you look like one.

—

After dancing to an awesome song, all the kids are standing in a circle, out of breath.

T (looking down his shirt): NIPPLE CHECK! Yup, still there!

And I laughed. Hard.

—

Me: What is your pattern?
All the other kids: Triangle, circle, square etc.
C: Hammer, egg, chicken, boot. hammer, egg, chicken, boot.

And I laughed. I love these kids.

—

Teacher quote of the week:

While walking in the building with a woman I’ve never seen before.
Her: So, who are you in for?
Me (confused): What? Um. Myself?
Her: Well who ARE you?
Me (still confused): A teacher. I teach upstairs….?
Her: Oh. Well. I didn’t think you worked here.
Me: I do……

—

Make sure you do a nipple check this weekend. You know, just in case.