Every week I encounter anywhere between 20 and 100+ kids. They say some ridiculous things. I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these weekly Friday Field Notes.
Enjoy. I certainly do.
Playing word family game in grade 2 (“If I know at, then I know cat. If I know cat, then I know splat”):
Girl: If I know bell, then I know tell.
Boy: If I know tell, then I know hell.
Me: Well yes. But. Um. Maybe not one for at school.
Boy: It’s a bad place!
Me: Uh. Yes. Well. Uh. Not at school. Who’s next?
Girl: If I know hell then I know…
Me: HELLO. Say hello.
Girl: If I know hell, then I know hello.
My buddy A, of “GET ON WITH MY LIFE!” fame, had some real gems yet again. I also witnessed him salsa dancing, which was by far the highlight of my week. I really wish you could have seen his moves. I also should mention his sweet little speech impediment. His Rs sound like Ws. It gweatly enhances the cuteness of anything he says. So “laser” sounds like “lay-zo”.
A: Miss B, can I tell you a quick story?
Me (barely containing my glee): Sure, I’d love to hear your story.
A: Well I don’t know if this was in my dreams or on Youtube, but I saw this cat. And do you know those red laser things? The cat, it was jumping all over the laser, and then the laser went on the wall and the cat jumped right on the wall trying to get the laser and it fell and I laughed. Isn’t that SOOO funny?
Me: You have no idea just how funny.
Later that day…
A: My story is short, but VERY emotional.
Even later that day…
One boy C, was getting upset because another boy, J, was pestering him.
A (waving hands in the air): DON’T LET HIM GET INSIDE YOUR GRADES! Don’t let him! Like get inside your mind! You’re responsible for you, C, and not him. Just don’t let him get inside your mind. He’s trying to bother you. Don’t let him! JUST DON’T LET HIM.
During lunch duty in a Kindergarten class
Me: Oh, before you eat those, make sure you eat something healthy.
Girl: They ARE healthy.
Me: That is candy, sweetheart.
Girl: No, it’s CARS.
Me: Well, Cars candy. It’s still candy. Eat some of your sandwich first.
Girl: It’s a HANGABER.
Me: A what?
Girl: A HANGABER.
Me: Before you eat your Bearpaw [cookie] eat something healthy.
Girl: It has banana in it.
Before I share some stories from Grade 6, let me just tell you how much more difficult it is to discretely write down what older kids say. With the little ones, I can jot down what they say almost immediately and call it “teacher notes” if they ask what I’m doing. Not so with the junior kids. They catch on if I’m not sneaky.
During my usual, “Tell me your name and something awesome” routine.
Boy: My name is A, and ninjas are awesome.
Me: Have you ever met a ninja?
Boy: No but my dad says he’s a ninja. But I don’t think he is.
Me: Ninjas are supposed to be sneaky. So if you met a ninja, I think it’s a pretty awful ninja.
Boy: There are no such thing as automatic doors, only friendly ninjas.
Me: I’m writing that down.
Boy: I like Blair’s Sudden Death Hot Sauce.
Me: Is it hotter than Frank’s Red Hot?
Boy: Frank’s is like ice cream.
Ninja boy: I have the most dangerous weapon of stink in this very lunch bag.
Me, to a kid who had stuck his ruler into his apple and began to eat: Um. Why?
Now for variations on a theme. Less kids, more teachers.
Picking up kids after their first period class. I hear them snickering in line.
Boy: Are you sure she’s our teacher? I’m taller than her.
Girl: Well I think so. We’re all taller than her.
Me: My name is Miss B. I’m only slightly shorter than your regular teacher.
A little later…
Girl: You’re just so tiny. I can hardly see you.
Me: That’s because your regular teacher is a giant.
Conversation I had earlier that day with her regular teacher:
Me: Do they keep their notebooks in their desks or do you have a bin somewhere?
Him: Yeah they – I’m sorry. I have to sit down. I’m feeling much too tall right now.
Me: Not the first time I’ve heard that.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: No worries.
Conversation I had with a teacher in the staff room:
Her: So you’re Mr. A today?
Me: Yes I am.
Her: (Laughing) Well you’re certainly opposites.
Me: So I’ve heard.
Conversation I had with the teacher next door:
Him: Well. You’re a lot tinier than he is. But you’re also much cuter. So we’ll keep you.
Me: Oh good.
I am now starting all of my funny stories with “I don’t know if it was in my dreams or on Youtube…”