Every week as a teacher, Sunday school teacher and youth leader, I come in contact with many different kids and teenagers. I know some of them well. Others I am meeting for the first time. They say some ridiculous things, so I write them down as accurately and timely as possible, then compile the best lines into these (almost) weekly Friday Field Notes. All of the identifying factors of the kids have been removed. Only hilarity remains.
Enjoy. I certainly do.
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Kindergarten
We once read this book called “Grumpy Cat” who was nasty to the nice little kitty who wanted to play with him. As a result, we talk about grumpy cats and angry eyebrows in our class on the regular.
Happy Cat came to school with me. She is a fairy cat and makes you happy when Grumpy Cat comes to school.
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I have an imaginary friend called Tom the Turd!
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Him: Miss Bast, you look pretty today.
(Later)
Him: Can I play at the blocks?
Me: Not right now.
Him: But I already told you that you are pretty!
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I don’t like pickles. Only grapes.
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Me: What is money for?
Him: It’s for the PEOPLE!
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I have a small problem. My pretend friends Rudolph and the reindeers are bugging me.
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Singing O Canada:
GOOOOOOD PIZZA LAND!
WE STAND ON GUAAAARD FOOOOOR FLEEEEEEEAS!
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Me: So, why is there a baby on the cookie sheet?
Her: I’m pretendin’ it’s chicken!
Him: Why are you laughing so hard, Miss Bast?
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Her: Miss Bast, why do you wear pajamas to school every day?
Me: Uh, I don’t? These are dress pants.
Her: But you never wear a dress. You should wear a dress.
Me: No.
The next day:
Her: Miss Bast. You NEED to come to my birthday party. You can wear a dress. Or like, whatever you want to, I guess.
Me: Can I wear pajamas?
Her: No.
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Me: What’s for lunch?
Her: The cracker with pudding on top.
Me: PopTarts, huh? Nice.
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Me: We don’t hit our friends.
Him: I didn’t hit him. I high fived his stomach.
Me: We don’t run in the classroom.
Him: I’m not running. I’m galloping.
Kid 1: Hey! Don’t break my tower! The maker is the breaker!
Kid 2: But I was pretending to be a tornado. I didn’t break it. The tornado did.
I’m going to do something DANGEROUS. Cut the CHEESE!
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Stuff the adults in the room have said:
We don’t go pee at tidy up time.
Why is there a Pikachu in the flower shop?
It’s time to put away your angry eyebrows!
We don’t eat stones.
You are not a clown. You are in Kindergarten.
You are not a pickle. You are in Kindergarten.
I am not a pickle. I am a teacher.
Pickles aren’t always funny.
Just because one friend coughs doesn’t mean we all need to start coughing.
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And one last Kindergarten quote to start your weekend:
She ate a paper towel and do you know what happens? You go to the hospital because your heart goes beep beep and it won’t go beep beep anymore, and then the doctor will have to take out that heart and put a new one in and then you have to get medicine and a needle in your heart.
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