Fred & Joan: Coasters

“Here, use this.”
“No thanks, I’ll just hold on to it.”
“You can’t keep holding on to it. You’re going to get tired.”
“But I’m full of energy and vigor, Joan.”
“You’ve been sitting on that couch for the past four hours!”
“Exactly. I’m being smart with my energy and vigor. I’m stockpiling it for Monday morning.”
“I don’t think it works like that, Fred.”
“How do you know? Have you done studies?”
“Well of course not. But I just have a feeling.”
“You always do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Nothing! I’m just saying that you have good intuition. Better than I ever had.”
“Oh, well that was actually kind of sweet of you to say.”
“I do aim to please.”
“Then why won’t you use it?”
“Because I’m a non-conformist.”
“Can you abandon your non-conformity for this one tiny thing? I don’t want to wreck the table.”
“It still looks nice!”
“Because I take care of it! Help me keep it that way.”
“Joan, please don’t start.”
“Start what?”
“It’s beginning.”
“What is?”
“You’re getting older.”
“You take that back!”
“First it’s this, and then we go straight to the plastic on the furniture and the doilies. Hard candies get set out in a crystal bowl for guests. And then – BOOM – I’m married to your mother.”
“Hey! My mother is DELIGHTFUL. And you love Werther’s.”
“Sure.”
“Please, can you just do this for me? It’s not a big deal.”
“Maybe I’m protesting.”
“You’ve been protesting for the last 40 years, Fred.”
“It just means I’m dedicated to my cause.”
“Your cause is stupid.”
“You married me because of my passion, remember?”
“YOU CAN’T BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING THIS STUPID!”
“JUST WATCH ME!”
“OH I WATCH YOU EVERY DAY, FRED!”
“WELL YOU CAN KEEP WATCHING ME THEN, JOAN!”
“WHY ARE WE YELLING? STOP YELLING!”
“I’LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP!”
“UGH. Fine.”
“Good.”
“I’m sorry for yelling. Forgive me?”
“Of course. I’m sorry too.
“We just got carried away again.”
“It’s because I’m passionate.”
“And I admire you for it. Now, can you please just use the coaster?”