Come ON

I’m extremely patient.

With the little stuff. I can deal with the little stuff. I’m patient. I will wait out a group of chatty children until they are bored to tears. I’m cool with waiting. It’s easier than getting worked up about it. My favourite classroom management technique is saying, “I’ll wait for you” and waiting. It works. I don’t mind standing in a really long line. I’m patient. Traffic doesn’t phase me that much. I’ll get there eventually. I’m patient. I wait. I’m GOOD at waiting. With the little stuff.

But the big stuff?

This entire year I have been waiting for my phone to ring so I have a job for each Monday (and Tuesday and Wednesday and…). I am waiting for more job postings to go up so I can apply for a “real” position that doesn’t involve waiting. I’m waiting for someone to spot my application and say “Yes, I want her!” I am waiting to do the application process for the third, fourth, fifth time. I’m waiting to get a job so I can earn money consistently. So I can move out. So I can have my own space. So I can finally grow up. I’m waiting.

I’m waiting for a guy to email me about a project that I’m eager to finish. I’m waiting for him to send me sample illustrations. I’m waiting for that dream to become something tangible. I’m waiting.

I’m waiting until the next time I see a certain someone. I’m waiting for September so we don’t have to deal with long distance anymore. I’m waiting for the quality of Skype calls to improve. I’m waiting to see what’s in store for us. I’m waiting.

I’m waiting for the September, when our young adults group moves from the inconvenient location of our church to a scummy country bar downtown. I’m waiting to see what will happen in the lives of the young adults who walk through our scummy bar doors. I’m waiting to see how this community will develop. I’m waiting for lives to be changed. I’m waiting.

I’m waiting to see how my skills and gifts will be used. I’m waiting for something to end the stalemate. I’m waiting for something big to happen. I’m waiting for God to totally shake things up.  I’m waiting for God to exceed my expectations. To blow apart my trivial plans for myself. I’m waiting.

I

am

waiting.

But come ON.

Enough waiting, already! I’m sick of waiting! I don’t want to do it anymore! I know I can’t be the only one who feels like this. I’m not unhappy; I’m anxious. I know I appear to be miserable at times and I’m a bear to live with (sorry Mom!) but I’m not sad. I’m anxious. I’m tired of my prayers being full of “come ONs” and not enough “thank yous”. I’m embarrassed of my own impatience.

I know that eventually these things will happen. Or maybe they won’t. It’s entirely possible that none of my plans will come to fruition. I have no way of knowing where I’ll be in a year. I know there are other people waiting for bigger things than I am. I know my impatience will one day seem trivial. I don’t know what is going to happen. But I do know that all things work together for my good. I keep singing that line over and over, trying to pass the time as I wait.

All things work together for my good.
All things work together for my good.

I’m repeating Psalm 130:6 over and over until it is somehow ingrained in my everyday rhythms of thinking.

More than watchmen wait for the morning.
More than watchmen wait for the morning.

I know God does not work on my time. He is beyond time. He is beyond anything I can comprehend. His plans completely trump mine. My silly little plans. I’m waiting for big things. Bigger things than a job, an apartment, a project. Big things. I’m waiting.

I’m listening and singing and hoping and praying and listening. Because I feel something a-rumbling.

Something is there waiting for me to stop waiting.

What are you waiting for?